


Trusting And Repenting

by LaFortunaVelutLuna



Series: And He Told Me I Was Holy... [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: BDSM, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-07 22:43:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6828169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaFortunaVelutLuna/pseuds/LaFortunaVelutLuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec has been going to his parabatai for months, using Jace to help alleviate his self loathing. But what happens when Jace has had enough? What happens when the guilt becomes too much and Alec is suffocating under the guilt? He goes to the one person who matters: Magnus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Part 3: After all is said and done, it's time for Alec to go to Magnus and tell him the truth

Three showers. It took three fucking showers before Alec had decided he couldn't take it anymore. No matter how much water and soap he used, he still felt just as repulsive as when he had stepped in.

What would it take? What did he have to do before he could feel whole again? 

_'You should probably go talk to Magnus...'_

Was there a minuscule chance that Jace could be right? Alec didn't know if he could face the warlock and tell him about what had happened, didn't know if he could tell him what he needed.

What would Magnus say? Would he be jealous? Would he be angry? Or worse- would he be abhorred? It was Alec's biggest fear- to say or do something that would turn his boyfriend off so completely that what they had would be over.

And yet, it had never happened before. Not when Alec admitted to some of his deepest fantasies, not when he spoke about some of the horrendous things he'd had to do to complete a mission, not even when he had admitted to having confidence issues. It almost seemed that the centuries he'd lived had giving Magnus an extremely progressive and accepting world view. Nothing shocked him or scared him away, he an almost permanent 'been there, done that' cock to his eyebrow whenever somebody mentioned something otherwise incapable of comprehension.

Maybe, just maybe Magnus would understand. Or at least he would listen. 

Alec had to take the chance, he had to at least try or he would kill himself trying to hide it- a lesson he had learned all to well after almost getting married.

The Shadowhunter grunted in pain as he pulled a shirt over his wounded back, determined to fight his way back to sanity- no matter how painful it might be. Alec laced up his boots and grabbed his stele for good measure, straightening up and walking up out of Jace's bedroom. He wouldn't think about what he was going to do, he couldn't.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alec knocked gently knocked at the Warlock's door, ignoring the rain soaking him and clothes- after what he'd done, he deserved all of the discomfort he received.

"Yes, what can- Alec?" Magnus asked, astonished "Your note said you would be gone until tomorrow"

The taller man shrugged, wincing at the pain in his shoulders. "I wanted to come back, I kind of needed to see you. But I can leave if-"

The very thought was scrapped as Magnus reached across the threshold for his boyfriend's shirt and dragged him inside.

"Alexander" the warlock scolded "You are soaked through! Why didn't you bring an umbrella with you? Better yet, why didn't you just send me a message and ask me to portal you directly here? Or do you just enjoy taking a midnight stroll through the rain?"

Again he shrugged, at a loss for words. How was he supposed to start this? How exactly did one go about admitting to their significant other that they needed to be beaten on a regularly basis by a pseudo-sibling that was once a source of romantic fantasies?

"Forget it, you are changing out of those wet clothes and soaking in a hot bath before you catch a cold!"

"But Magnus-"

"No buts!" he interrupted "Except for your butt, which will soon be soaking in a hot tub filled with cinnamon sugar scented bubbles, eucalyptus epsom salts, kakui oil and manuka honey. Now, off to the bathroom with you!"

The younger man didn't have the energy to argue. Maybe just one more night of peace before he let the other shoe drop. Alec slowly followed his lover into the bathroom where Magnus had already magically concocted a soothing oasis complete with candlelight.

"Strip!" he ordered.

The soldier froze. "Wha-what?"

"I said to strip, Alexander" he repeated "How else am I to dry your clothes and get you into the tub unless you do?"

Alec started shaking in fear. "B-but can't you just dry my clothes with magic? I mean I- I don't need the bath"

"The hunching of your shoulders and continuous painful frown says otherwise" the Asian said with a raised eyebrow "What is wrong with you, Alexander? I've seen you naked before"

"Well, yeah but- but not like this"

The warlock gave an exasperated sigh. "Like what?!? Shall I remove my clothes as well? Have us both soaking in the tub and trading massages?"

"No, no, I just... can you leave? Can you just let me soak on my own for a bit?"

Magnus's eyes narrowed, knowingly. "What is going on with you, Alexander? And why do I get the inkling you are hiding something from me?"

The Shadowhunter's hands balled into fists as more tears spilled over onto his cheeks; now was a good a time as any. Alec had never been very good with words- he was all about action, using his body to show and prove what he meant. Whether it was fighting or making love to Magnus, his body was the only thing he needed to speak when words otherwise failed.

Alec cringed as he shrugged out of his jacket and toed off his boots. He watched in grief as his boyfriend's expression went from one of curiosity to horror as more of his skin was revealed. First his shirt, then his pants, then his boxer briefs... each piece of clothing revealing another secret he had so long kept hidden away from the one he loved most. Magnus choked on a sob and Alec knew what he saw; a rainbow of black, blue, purple and burgundy decorated his golden tan skin.

"My-my God, Alexander- what?" his boyfriend took a tentative step towards him "What happened to you? Was it the mission? Did you-"

"I lied" he admitted, flatly "I went back to the Institute but there was no mission"

Magnus hungered to ask Alec what he'd done, wanted to throttle his boyfriend and demand to know how this had happened but he didn't. The Warlock simply nodded and held a hand out to his boyfriend, helping him into the warm water. Alec sighed in relief and leaned his head back, moaning as his lover massaged his scalp.

They stayed like this for several minutes until the Asian man could no longer bite his tongue.

"Why not use your iratze?"

"I did" Alec admitted "But the worse the injury, the longer it takes for the rune to work"

The warlock's blood turned to ice when he realized that the bruises would have been much worse before the Shadowhunter came him. What the hell had caused this kind of damage? And why hadn't Alec been smart enough to use his training and defend himself?

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked, lightly.

The taller man tensed. "I, um... Can we just stay like this for a little bit longer? 

"We can stay like this for as long as you'd like, Alexander" Magnus whispered, placing a kiss on his head.

The little oasis his boyfriend created was conflicting with the pandemonium in his head; the quiet of the bathroom combined with the internal white noise was making him ill. 

_'Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?" Magnus asked._

_He'd panicked. "Now is not really a good time for me... another time"_

Alec cringed as he remembered looking for a way out of the warlock's offer, nearly sighing in relief when he hadn't seen Clary.

_'Help me' Magnus begged, holding out his hand 'I need your strength'_

_The Shadowhunter didn't think twice when he'd offered his own. 'Take what you need'_

"What are you smiling about, dumpling?" Magnus inquired, tracing the shape of his boyfriend's ear.

"Just remembering the first time you'd held my hand... How you'd held onto me when you were saving Luke and how you'd just collapsed against me"

"Not my strongest moment" the warlock admitted, chagrined.

Alec smiled up at him. "I just remember you were still holding my hand and leaning against my chest. I thought you'd fainted but then you looked up at me, like you couldn't believe I was still there and strong enough to keep the both of us going."

"And you" Magnus said, with a smile of his own "Looking down at me, so concerned and asking if I was okay while you tightened your hold on my waist... If I wasn't already in love with you, that would have sealed the deal"

The brunette nodded and leaned his head to the right, trying to hide his tears as they slipped past the safety of his eyes. But Magnus didn't ask questions, he simply shushed the Shadowhunter and held him close- ignoring how the bathwater ruined his silk pajamas.

"Shh, shh, there, there" he whispered, tightening his hold on his boyfriend "Breathe, Alec- take a deep breath. Just breathe with me"

Alec tried to cooperate, but it was a long time before his sobs died down to even breathing; long enough that the tub was starting to get cold.

"Magnus, do- do you mind if I get out now? The water's getting cold and I- I kind of need to sit down for a bit"

"Of course, love. Do you need some help out of the tub?"

He shook his head and stood up on his own, grateful for the towel that appeared out of mid-air.

"Shall I make us some tea while you get dried off?" the warlock asked, unable to stop his eyes from focusing on the massive injuries decorating his lover's body.

"Yes, please" he replied "I'll um, meet you on the couch, alright?"

Magnus gave him a soft smile and left the archer in peace as he went to fix their tea; he could easily have used magic, but something told the warlock that Alec needed some time to himself. He probably needed some time to think things through, to consider what he was going to say- because they WERE going to talk about this whether the Shadowhunter liked it or not.

"Is Arabian chai alright, darling?"

"Yeah," he called back, drying himself off for the fourth time this evening.

Alec reached for his terrycloth robe and suddenly felt calmer than he had before arriving at his boyfriend's place. Already things were going smoother than he'd expected; Magnus hadn't lashed out or threatened to kill anybody, hadn't pushed any uncomfortable questions and certainly hadn't looked disgusted. If anything he'd just looked...sad. As if the the evidence of Alec's past activities hurt him more than they're hurt Alec.

The archer sighed and walked over to the couch, already noticing a remarkable difference in his pain. It might have been the iratze but the brunette suspected it was actually Magnus; his concern, his care, his kindness, his love. Everything that he'd done to help the man he loved.

Yeah, Alec **really** didn't deserve him.

"Here we are, dumpling" Magnus said, holding out a warm mug "I left the cinnamon stick in the tea just in case you wanted it a little stronger"

The eldest Lightwood reached for the mug and gave his boyfriend a grateful smile. They sat in silence for a few minutes until the tea was gone and the cold mugs were now sitting on the table, their only audience to what was about to happen between the 'happy' couple.

"Alexander, I don't want to sound overbearing but I am quite concerned" Magnus admitted "What happened to you tonight? I mean, I've never seen you with so many injuries, you're normally so careful! Wait, was it Maryse? Has she been pushing you to train harder because of what we did? Or was it-"

"No," Alec replied, sounding broken "It wasn't, I... I had some problems earlier"

"Problems with your fighting?"

He shook his head and pulled his feet up onto the couch so that he could bury his face in his knees, too ashamed to look his boyfriend in the eye and admit what he'd done- what he'd asked for.

"I love you, Magnus" he said, trying to avoid another round of tears.

"As I love you..." he replied, sounding confused "Alexander, please- you're starting to scare me. Will you please just tell me what happened? Will you please explain to me how these wounds came about?"

Alec dug his short fingernails into his palms and took a deep breath. "Earlier, after we'd... made love, I uh- I didn't feel quite right"

"Was I too rough with you, love?" Magnus asked, sounding concerned.

The archer was getting irritated. "No! Can you please just let me talk?!? I'm trying to tell you why I'm so fucked up in the head!"

The warlock gasped but said nothing, watching as the man he loved crumbled into himself right before his eyes.

He realized what he had to do. "Go on then, Alexander- I won't interrupt you"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is going to tell Magnus everything and maybe Magnus will understand, maybe he'll want to help...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, the fic will get darker from here on out- if that is not your jam then I suggest you look elsewhere for entertainment.

"I love you, Magnus- I love how you treat me and care for me. I love what you do to me in bed and how amazing you make me feel. I love walking away feeling blissed out and happy but sometimes, I... I sometimes, something is wrong afterwards. It's like, you've given me so much and loved me so well that my mind can't comprehend it. And I feel guilty, so fucking guilty for enjoying the things that you do to me that I feel like I have to pay for it. Like, I'm not allowed to feel so good without feeling like shit, too. Like I need to earn my happiness..."

Alec looked up at the warlock and saw him nodding to keep going.

"Well, that day- when we first had sex. When you took my virginity and you made me feel so amazing... That was the first time I felt it, the guilt and the self loathing, like I wasn't worthy of your love. You'd spent so much time satisfying me while I just lied there and did nothing, while I came in a couple of seconds and couldn't take all of you into my mouth and I-"

The Shadowhunter reached into his hair pulled at the roots trying to ground himself with pain.

"I felt like I'd fucked up, like you had gone through so much to be with me and I couldn't even get you off like you should have. It was a horrible feeling and I needed a distraction so I went to the training room and found Jace; we sparred for a bit, but it wasn't helping. I was distracted, still thinking back to how I'd let you down when he punched me in the stomach. It hurt but the pain was like this perfect diversion, like the physical pain helped me not focus on the emotional pain. So, I started letting him get a few good swipes- just enough to help diverge my attention from what had happened earlier."

Alec opened his eyes and stared down at his feet where the bruises were already starting to fade.

"Eventually, Jace noticed; he saw the pattern of me going to him for a fight after I'd been with you and he put two and two together. Then he asked me if it was a fight or the pain I was after... He's my parabatai: I couldn't lie to him so I told him the truth, that I needed physical injuries after having sex sometimes. He didn't laugh or judge me, he just wondered why I didn't ask for the pain outright. He said that if I needed him to hurt me, if I needed him to... dominate me, then he would. That he would help me in any way he would"

Magnus was biting his tongue so hard he could taste bitter-copper tang of his blood. "So, how long? How long have you and Jace been sleeping tog-"

Alec looked up, completely alarmed. "What?!? No, by the Angel... No, Magnus! We've never slept together- never had sex or anything; we've never even seen each other naked. It was just that- the pain that I needed, that he was willing to give to me"

Needed... He'd said 'needed'. His Alexander genuinely believed that he had earned this torture.

How could Alec convince himself of that? How could he feel that way? And worse, how could Magnus not have realized it? How could the Warlock have spent months making love to his boyfriend and not see what was right in front of his face?!?

The warlock choked on a sob and jumped off the couch, running to his bedroom and slamming the door. Magnus buried his face into the ridiculously expensive lace pillows and cried until his eye make-up decorated the fabric- he didn't care. He would ruin a million of these fucking things and pay for every single one if it meant that he could forget what he just heard. 

_"How are you feeling darling?" Magnus asked, is head on his lover's chest._

_Alec took several deep breaths. "I'm fine"_

_The warlock noted how his boyfriend's blunt fingernails dug into his palms, as if he was willing them to grow longer and pierce the skin._

_"Are you sure you're alright?"_

_The Shadowhunter cut him off with a harsh kiss and a tongue in his mouth, diminishing any further doubt._

More tears followed the first and Magnus suddenly saw what he had been to ignorant notice; time after time of Alec not really being with him, being too stuck in his own head to be anchored to the man he was with.

_"Oh, Alexander" the high warlock moaned, thrusting upwards "My beautiful, darling Alexander"_

_The archer grunted and hid his face in his lover's neck. "I'm not, stop"_

_"But you are, Alec" Magnus insisted "My amazing, wonderful, patient, loving, wondrous, Alexander"_

_He'd been so caught up in his climax that he hadn't bothered to notice the tears pooling his boyfriend's eyes._

More and more memories flooded the older man's mind until he couldn't breathe, drowning in the realization that he had slowly been killing his boyfriend with love. He was no better than Jace- in fact, he was worse than Jace. Physical injuries could always be healed, but words and actions stayed with you forever. Alec must have been in agony; remembering each time his boyfriend had loved on him, had praised him, adored him, doted on him. And that had been tearing away a piece of his sanity bit by bit.

A warm hand on the warlock's shoulder brought him back to reality, pulling him from the darkness of his memories.

"Mags?"

He continued sobbing. "I'm so sorry, Alexander"

Alec definitely had not expected those words to come out of his boyfriend's mouth; he'd thought Magnus would be angry with him, possibly disappointed even. He'd thought he'd hear some harsh words, a few profanities and then an ultimatum from the warlock- but not this, never this.

"Why are you apologizing?" the Shadowhunter asked, flabbergasted "I'm the one who-"

"I pushed you to this! I'm the one who smothered you with affection and couldn't see you were dying because of it! And then you went to Jace- you should have been able to come to me, to tell me what was wrong and let me help you but... Fuck, Alec. I never wanted to see you like this... I know how it feels, to experience the self hatred. To feel wrong in your own skin, to be pushed to doing something that hurts you and others all because..."

Magnus started crying again and this time Alec understood; the warlock was drawing parallels from his own childhood. Forced to be something he wasn't, to be hated for you are and to walk through life like it doesn't bother you when every second of every day you fight the urge to tear your skin off layer by layer until the you are a skeleton of who you used to be- hoping that everyone else will be happy with that.

"No, no, no" he insisted "Magnus, look at me! You are NOTHING like them- you are so different! You are light and kindness and love and everything good that I've never had in my life, you're so bright and wonderful and amazing and I- I didn't, don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to take in so much good at once- and it's my fault. I'm just, I'm used to seeing darkness all the time, everywhere I look- it's what I've been trained to do. You can't hunt shadows if there is no darkness... but I guess you also need a little light as well. That's why I need you Magnus, I need your love"

"But not too much" the warlock stated

Alec felt sick admitting it. "No, not all the time at least... I, sometimes too much good isn't right- for me, at least. I- I need that darkness sometimes- the yin and the yang. I need both to balance each other out... I'm sorry"

"You have nothing to apologize for, Alexander" he insisted, wrapping the Shadowhunter in a crushing hug.

The younger man squeezed him back, relieved that he hadn't lost the man he loved. But where did he go from here? Would he still have these same feelings? Would Magnus be alright with him still going to Jace? Hell, did he even still want to go to Jace? Alec considered it and wrinkled his nose; the idea didn't seem as appealing as before, he didn't want his parabatai right now. All he could focus on was Magnus: the feel of his boyfriend in his arms and the mild pain he felt as the warlock clutched at his skin, trying to bring him closer.

"M-Magnus?"

The Asian buried his face into his lover's neck and inhaled. "Hmm?"

"I-I, umm... tighter"

He pulled back from the Shadowhunter. "What?"

"I said t-tighter" Alec admitted, blushing in shame "Hold me tighter, dig your nails into my skin"

Magnus didn't need to be told twice; he returned to his original position and narrowed his hold until his knuckles were white. The archer's body began to sag, the new pain was distracting him enough to the point of where he could relax just a little bit. And Magnus wasn't going to lie; letting a piece of this harshness go was helping him as well.

Maybe this is what they needed; to let go together. The roving banshee inside of Alec's head was forever roaring- filling him with doubts and weighing him down with his insecurities while the beast inside of Magnus's psyche was dormant. The warlock had long ago tamed the monstrosity to be silent, only occasionally letting pieces of it out when needed. Perhaps, they had been fighting the wrong battles all along- the Shadowhunter trying to appease the inner voice in his head while Magnus kept his quiet. No, what Alec needed was a psychological monstrosity bigger than his own to dominate and force his into submission and Magnus needed to let his behemoth loose on something that would be permanently harmed- they needed each other, the light and the dark.

"Could- could you, please..."

Magnus sighed. "Alexander, I love you: I don't want to hurt you"

"But I WANT to be hurt" he insisted "Please, I want to be hurt by you! I'll tell you if it's too much, just please!"

"You don't understand, Alec! I'm half-demon; I've had centuries to learn self control and learn to keep that sinister part of myself reigned in. If I do this, I don't know if I will be able to stop..."

"You will" Alec insisted, not skipping a beat "I know you! You love me to much to ever hurt me! Even now, no matter how close you are tot he edge, you never lose control on your magic. It's so ingrained in who you are Magnus, not to hurt people- not to hurt _me_... That love, that care, that concern- it's so strong you could never cause me serious harm. No matter how much I'd beg for it..."

Both his control and the glamour were slipping as the warlock's real eyes came out. "Give me a safeword"

A safeword? Alec had never had a safeword, before... He wanted it to be something special, something he could remember, something that held a special meaning for both of them. He thought back to all of the times they had seen each other, before they had even become a couple. There were so many precious moments between the two of them; Magnus checking him out in Pandemonium, Magnus ignoring Jace and calling Alec 'pretty boy', the first time he called him by his full name, asking him out, asking for his strength while healing Luke, offering to heal the archer's Forsaken wound, saving Izzy and giving him back his bow and quiver, showing up to his wedding... That was it- the first time Alec had taken a stand, the first time Alec made his move.

" _Enough_ " Alec whispered "I want my safeword to be 'enough', Magnus"

The warlock leaned back in confusion. "Why?"

"It's what started this, it's what started us" he clarified "When my mom tried to stop me from going to you and I said 'enough', that's where we really began. And it's also another way of saying stop, you know- if I need to..."

After more than four hundred years, Magnus doubted he had a heart- but if he did, it just swelled and began beating once more for Alexander Gideon Lightwood.


End file.
